Ok, well I sent Ben a myspace message today and decided I wanted to send him a different one after I had already sent it. So, I went onto his myspace page and deleted the initial message I had send him. Well my curious eyes seen a message from an ex girlfriend who happens to live in Kalamazoo. (Where he will be staying for the next few months while he works) She just wanted to wish him happy birthday and told him to have fun with the family life. And if he is ever in town after she gets out of work, they should get together. . It was his reply that shocked me. He told her he lost his phone. Not true, he switched plans so we were on the same plan. and gave her his new number. He continued to say that the family life has its ups and downs but he'll see how the cards hit the table??? What is that supposed to mean? I thought the cards had already hit the table. I thought us being together was what was dealt to us. I know I have got to be overreacting to this. As I write this, the tears won't stop. I dont' know what in the world I am supposed to think. He comes home late, like after 930 all the time, so has she called and he spent time with her after work? I don't know if my heart can take him being gone for months and then wondering if she is there with him when I can't be. Have I asked to much of him to stop being a bachelor and be a family man? Well technically I didnt ask him, he chased me down while I was in a different relationship and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. So I made my decision and now I have to deal with this? What have I done???? I can only hope this is just my lack of trust that is making me think this. I know I should trust unconditionally, but I have a very hard time with that. Carl did one heck of a number on my trust capabilities. I am just so on edge with men all the time. Ben is the best person I could ever ask for in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. But does he feel the same? I wonder if I will ever be one of those girls who get the man who loves her just as much as she loves him. It always seems like I put more into things than I should.
You know, the relationship I was in before, was a relationship I was not happy with. But none the less. He cared about me. His life revolved around me. What in the world was I thinking? I could not get Ben out of my head while I was with Richard. I just could not put my heart into my current relationship. I wanted so badly to be with ben and when he came to me on Christmas Eve, my world was complete. He told me he could not live without me, that he needed me in his life. and that being with me would make him the happiest man alive. What happened??? Did I do something to make him change his mind. I don't think my heart can handle one more break. I'm not as strong as people seem to think I am. I am weak and I depend on others way to much. I need to be as strong as people think I am so I can do this. But it just isnt' working!! Ok. I have rambled to the point where I can't see the screen through my tears. I am gonna be fine, and this is going to work out just fine. I just need to trust and love him like I have been. God has a plan mapped out for me, I just hope the journey involves Ben and not a bunch of cats once my children have grown up! LOL
Until Later
Heather
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2 comments:
Heather,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this emotional turmoil. I have to be honest and say that I'd be asking myself all of these questions too.
However, I strongly suggest you sit down with Ben and open up to him. Ask him these questions. Tell him what you need and ask him if he can be the man to meet those needs. Ask yourself if you can trust Ben and once you make your decison, do it. Set up rules and/or clarify them in your relationship. Are you guys okay with each other seeing an ex? If the answer is no, then that's no. If it's yes, what kind of boundaries should there be? Never alone together, should be with friends, etc.
I'm praying for you. I know you have strength inside you that you haven't tapped into yet. God never gives us too much to handle.
Heather,
I have never really heard of unconditional trust. Trust is something that is earned, not automatically granted. Unconditional means no matter what. To unconditially trust someone would mean that you would trust them even if you know they are lying and I don't think anyone can do that.
I concur with Leigh regarding talking with Ben. Since I am posting this quite a few days after you originally posted this I assume you have already done that though :)
Michelle
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