Once Bitten.....Twice Shy

I am so insecure. I don't trust people as I should. I am constantly doubting Ben and his love for me. I am not blaming Carl 100% but I am going to blame 80% of this on him. I am so afraid every day that Ben is going to leave. I have no evidence and no real reason to think that he would. But my mind works overtime. Everytime he does something without telling me I wonder if he is with someone else, when he forgets to call, I wonder if he is busy with someone else (by someone else I mean someone that ben feels the same for them as I assume he feels for me.)Everytime he seems the slight bit sneaky I wonder why and for who..

I am driving myself crazy. And I know he must be going crazy too. He does not deserve this doubt. But I am always asking myself...What if he does? What if he really is doing something I should doubt.

The other thing that is killing me, I don't always think he is with someone else, I wonder if he would just be happy without me.

We are moving again soon. I wonder if he will move with me? I wonder if he just wants me to move into somewhere I can afford so that he won't feel bad for leaving me with nothing.

My own mind is making me crazy. How do I make this stop??? I pray everyday and it does not seem to be working. I don't mean to doubt but I am only human and I am getting more and more discouraged every day.

Ben makes me so happy, but I am wondering if I do the same for him.
We are doing just fine. No tiffs, no nothing, just me, doubting myself and him.
Carl did a real number on my self esteem and my trust abilities.
I don't trust anyone, I am afraid they are all going to hurt me like Carl did.
WHAT DO I DO?????
Sorry, just me ranting and raving

On a lighter note, I hope you all have a great long weekend!!

Until Later
Heather

I GOT GAS!!!

Yup, you heard me, I got gas this morning for $3.35 a gallon at the Beakon and Bridge gas station Mt Morris and 75. CK105.5 was doing a promotion this morning from 7-9am. They took .50 off the price of gas. I filled up my car for 26 bucks! It was great. Ok, done gloating, I was just so happy!!!

I don't really have much to talk about today.

Ben and I had an ok weekend. He is so busy all the time during the summer. I miss him like crazy. He's gone again this week until Friday. I can only thank the lord that I am working now and the days seem to go by so much quicker and friday gets here just as fast.

So lets see..last weekend....

Friday we didn't do much. Ben came home and we ordered some takeout for dinner. It was really good. I had a chicken club sandwich from Twins. No Mayo and loaded with lettuce and onion. Oh goodness. WONDERFUL!
Ben worked in Swartz Creek on Saturday and the kids and I got some errands done and things around the house. It was a pretty easy day. Bailey and Hunter went to their dads on Saturday night, and Ethan went to his grandmas. ALONE TIME!!! It was nice. We went to a nice dinner at Lucky's and we we visited Bens parents at their house. They had a fire going and we all just sat and relaxed for a bit. Relaxation. Oh what a joy!
Sunday was nice, I ran a few more errands and picked up a birthday present for Ethan.
We had Bens parents and brothers over for cake and ice cream and they played Baseball with the kids in the backyard (I'll post myspace pictures later today) We all had a really good time and the kids were exhausted. YEAH!!
Monday was just another day, I went to work and then to Baileys Softball practice. She's doing so well, I'm so very proud of her.

Alright, enough for now! I'm off to get some more work done!
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Heather

How fast things change.

Well it has been almost a month since my last post and I am happy to report that things are going much better.

Ben decided that we have a lot of things to work on (and I agree) but he is willing to work on them with me. We have been doing a lot better, I admit, I still get angry but I am controlling it much better now.

Ben has been working in Kalamazoo all week and he comes home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy when he is gone, but its good for us. We need to give each other a break. He will be gone during the week for possibly the next month and a half. But its ok. I'm good with it. Finally.

I STARTED WORKING!! I have been dying to go back to work for quite sometime now, but I have been so scared to do so. I have not held a full time job since I was pregnant for Ethan and even then I found myself quitting so I could spend time at home with my babies.

I would still love to spend time at home with my kids but the economy is just now allowing me to do that. I need to help bring home the bacon, or atleast some kind of meat to put on the table to eat.

I am missing my babies like crazy and I still have this feeling that what I am doing is not right, but I am slowing overcoming that. Even though I can not be home with them, me going to work has been the best thing I can do for them. Reason number one. Working helps me provide for them even if I am single. If something were to happen to ben (GOD FORBID) I would have been stuck in a rut, and my children would have suffered. Reason number two. I want my children to see that you have to earn what it takes to be successful. Reason number three. Working solidifys my case against carl. He wants full custody of the children, well me not working was the only thing holding me back from a win. I now have no reaso to worry that the courts will find him more suitable. This is one heck of a weight off my shoulders.

Now back to my job. I love it!! I work in Oak Park for a branch of AT&T that is promoting the new UVerse cable, internet and home phone service. I am the office administrator for a large company that relies on me to make this office run smoothly. I love all of my co-workers. and I could not ask for anything better. I work M-F 8-4 but I am usually out by 3 and still get paid until 4. I do drive quite a ways, but its worth it.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT

My boys are growing up. Hunter turned 7 years old on the first. Where did the time go??? He is such a little man, I see more and more of Carl in him everyday. I know that I am going to have to work hard to make sure he only carries his good traits and not the bad. But so far, were doing great.

Even more scary. My baby turns 5 on Monday. OMG when did the time pass me? He is such a character, he makes us laugh on a daily basis. I can't even begin to think of all the funny things he says. But he also is a little pistol. Ethan has a temper that sometimes is uncontrollable. I don't know if it is a boy thing or if there is some kind of underlying problem that he can not portray to me. Ethan has been through so much in the last year and I blame myself for putting him through all of this, but I haven't got a clue how to fix it. He just seems that sometimes he is so angry. But those times are not as frequent as the times that he is just to happy and full of life and energy. He is a great little boy, and I have no clue what i would do if I did not have him.

So that is my update for now. I have a few more things to talk about, but not enough time to do it now, so look back soon for another update!
Have a great Weekend and until next time....
Heather

Things here have been tough. Ben is stressed to the max. I believe he thinks that if it was just him, he would not be letting anyone down. He is not sure we are doing the right thing. He's gonna let me know tomorrow if we should continue our relationship. He wanted to think on it and make a good decision. If it were me there is only one decision. To stay and work on things. But I am not Ben and he does not think that way. I only wish I could sway his decisoin but he stands quite firmly on his own ground and takes pride in making decisions on his own. I'm scared to death, I don't want to lose him and I am not sure he feels the same way. He said if we can't survive this problem than how are we ever going to survive anything bigger. I know exactly how, we survive this problem. We don't run at the first sign of stormy waters. The storms will come and go, but just like Michigan. We have more days without rain than we do with. And the storms make everything alive, Why can't relationships be just like lawns. The start out with barely any roots, they slowly plant themselves, they need storms to make them grow, and every once in awhile they need some maintenance just to keep them looking good. That seems simple enought to me. So with this said. I need your prayers! I need them bad. I have been praying all day, I just hope its enough. I'm scared and miserable right now. Please help me Lord!

Gotta be somethin to ramble about

Well I haven't been on in awhile, but I'm back. Today is the beginning of the 4th day that Ben has been gone to Kalamazoo. I miss him like crazy, things are so wierd around her without him home at night. See Ben is a clean freak. I am well not. So I am constantly trying to make sure things are done to where he is comfortable. So when he left on Tuesday, I thougth to myself. Here is the chance to let cleaning slide for a couple of days. Now Ben and I have lived together since the 1st of January. So three and a half months. In 3.5 months time, I have become a clean freak!!! How did this happen. I am still chasing after the kids making sure nothing is out of place, sweeping, mopping, making beds, dusting, doing laundry, dishes, washing windows, scrubbing toilets, scrubbing tubs, wiping down sinks, and anything else you can imagine when I just did all of that stuff the day before! What am I doing! :) He has made me lose my mind. LOL. But to be honest with you, I love it. My house always smells so nice, I know where everything is, and I don't have to worry about unexpected company. Come right on in! My house is clean and I know it. You can even use the bathroom. I cleaned it too! No dishes hidden in the oven so I can even make you dinner, no dirty laundry hidden in my room, so I can show you my new bedset. Wanna have a cup of cofee with me? Sure I have clean dishes! Its great! Now I am not saying that was always the case but usually something like that was wrong. (Just not all of them at the same time) I was not a slob, just really busy and things got pushed back. But I have learned to regulate times for everything. I LOVE IT!

So Ben is gone now from Monday thru Friday for the next two months or so. I can't stand it. But he has to do what he has to do to keep this family running. I love, admire and appreciate that from him more and more everyday. I know he doesnt' want to go anymore than I want him to go.

I prayed hard this morning. Ben and I are having major financial issues. Our savings is depleting quickly. There is just no more work for the General Contractor in Genesee county. When this job in Kalamazoo is done, they have no more work. I prayed that the good Lord would help us out. If you all could keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it. We need all the help we can get. Ben is so used to having money at his disposal that he just doesnt' know how to handle this. It is stressing him out which stresses me out and then in turns stresses out our children and our relationship. We need prayer. We need a miracle soon. Michigan is taking families out one by one. Our economy is ruining people, it is dousing any hope they had and putting a huge strain on families. I wish someone would see that. If you want a happy world then you are going to have to make people happy. Making people struggle everyday needlessly does not make for happy people. It makes for stressed out people, this world does not need that.

Speaking of stress. I had court appointment on Monday. I like a moron, did not go. Now I did not miss this court appointment on purpose. I have thought in my head all week prior that I had a court appointment on Tuesday. now I knew it was the 14th but I just thought that the 14th was Tuesday and nothing happened prior to that to make me realize otherwise. So at 4am on Tuesday morning for some reason, Ben and I were both awake. I had just started to fall asleep and the H&R Block commercial that I had seen on Monday afternoon ran through my head. You only have one more day left to file your taxes. Hmm Glad I did mine......oh wait that means that today must be the 15th!!!! I rolled over quickly and said. "Honey, what day is today!!! I mean the date what is the date. Now Ben is looking at me like I have lost my mind wondering why I am so flipped out at 4am about the date. So before he can answer I run to the kitchen and check the calendar. TODAY IS THE 15TH I MISSED MY COURT DATE!! I flopped back into bed and told Ben through tears what had happened. Now Ben does not do crying, he just doesnt' know what to do (coming from a family of all boys, not even any girl cousins or anything, they didn't cry much) He rolled over after a few minutes and put his arms around me buried my face in his chest and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and kept telling me that things were gonna be ok, people make mistakes all the time, I'm human. Things will be ok. Well all of that and I still cried until 6 in the morning, until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up at 10 minutes to 9 I got up and grabbed the phone, waited all 8 and a half minutes to 9 and then called my lawyer. After I told her what I had done, she said "Heather don't worry, Carl didnt' show up either." His lawyer didnt' show, he didnt' show, no one did but my lawyer. So since the motion was filed by Carl and his attorney, and they did not show up for their own hearing. The custody battle will be swept under the rug for now. Carl can still file another, but I am doubting this will happen. So I thank God every second I remember for being a watchful eye for me on Monday morning.

Ok, I think I may be done rambling for the next few hours while I get this house into tip top shape for when Ben comes home tonight. I want him to be proud of me that I kept this house in working order while he was gone. Isnt' that silly? Oh well, sometimes a little silliness goes a long way. Have a great day, a great weekend and I will talk again soon! Until Later
Heather

You get nosy, you get what you deserve

Ok, well I sent Ben a myspace message today and decided I wanted to send him a different one after I had already sent it. So, I went onto his myspace page and deleted the initial message I had send him. Well my curious eyes seen a message from an ex girlfriend who happens to live in Kalamazoo. (Where he will be staying for the next few months while he works) She just wanted to wish him happy birthday and told him to have fun with the family life. And if he is ever in town after she gets out of work, they should get together. . It was his reply that shocked me. He told her he lost his phone. Not true, he switched plans so we were on the same plan. and gave her his new number. He continued to say that the family life has its ups and downs but he'll see how the cards hit the table??? What is that supposed to mean? I thought the cards had already hit the table. I thought us being together was what was dealt to us. I know I have got to be overreacting to this. As I write this, the tears won't stop. I dont' know what in the world I am supposed to think. He comes home late, like after 930 all the time, so has she called and he spent time with her after work? I don't know if my heart can take him being gone for months and then wondering if she is there with him when I can't be. Have I asked to much of him to stop being a bachelor and be a family man? Well technically I didnt ask him, he chased me down while I was in a different relationship and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. So I made my decision and now I have to deal with this? What have I done???? I can only hope this is just my lack of trust that is making me think this. I know I should trust unconditionally, but I have a very hard time with that. Carl did one heck of a number on my trust capabilities. I am just so on edge with men all the time. Ben is the best person I could ever ask for in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. But does he feel the same? I wonder if I will ever be one of those girls who get the man who loves her just as much as she loves him. It always seems like I put more into things than I should.

You know, the relationship I was in before, was a relationship I was not happy with. But none the less. He cared about me. His life revolved around me. What in the world was I thinking? I could not get Ben out of my head while I was with Richard. I just could not put my heart into my current relationship. I wanted so badly to be with ben and when he came to me on Christmas Eve, my world was complete. He told me he could not live without me, that he needed me in his life. and that being with me would make him the happiest man alive. What happened??? Did I do something to make him change his mind. I don't think my heart can handle one more break. I'm not as strong as people seem to think I am. I am weak and I depend on others way to much. I need to be as strong as people think I am so I can do this. But it just isnt' working!! Ok. I have rambled to the point where I can't see the screen through my tears. I am gonna be fine, and this is going to work out just fine. I just need to trust and love him like I have been. God has a plan mapped out for me, I just hope the journey involves Ben and not a bunch of cats once my children have grown up! LOL
Until Later
Heather

Ok, Ok, I thought about it.

Ok, Michelle and Leigh made me realize something today. Ben does not make me who I am. I make me who I am. I think what I meant to say it Ben makes me want to be the person I am today. He helps me realize how important I am to my children and friends and family around me. So yes they are right. I make me who I am, but Ben makes that possible. Because of Ben I am a much happier person, much more approachable, and just plain out enjoying life because I share it with him.

This one is going to be short. I am on my way to the shower. Ben and I are going back to Milford. Tonight is his Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary party. We both get to dress up and spend the night kid free. We are going to be able to enjoy each other for 5 whole hours! I am so excited. I can't remember the last time we spent 5 hours together (unless we were sleeping).

50 years. WoW what I wouldn't give for a love to last that long. I am hoping that is what Ben and I can celebrate in our old age. 50 years from now I will be almost 77 and Ben will be almost 72. wow. what a love that must be. I really look up to my grandparents and his for being able to make it that long! CONGRATS

Ok, I'm outta here!
I'll let you know how it goes
Until Later
Heather

Maybe it is, Maybe it isn't

I haven't decided yet if my new way of life towards Ben working all of the time is working yet or not.
Ben delivered the news to me yesterday that the company has a job in Kalamazoo that needs to be started soon. OK, no big deal. But the real kicker is, he is going to rent a house in Kalamazoo so the guys can stay there during the week. So they do not have to drive home. I don't think I can handle that. Ben keeps me on my toes. He makes the person I am. What am I going to do without him??? I'm scared to death to not have him here. Almost to the point of tears. And now that I have made the resolution to not complain about his work hours, he is under the impression that I dont' mind. I really do mind. I need him home! UGH!

On a different note, I had the morning to myself today, Bailey is at my moms, Hunter is at his Dads and Ethan was at his G-Grandmas's. Do you know what I did with that time to myself. That time that I had to get some work done uninterrupted?? I did nothing. I slept until 10am and then lounged on the couch! What a bum I am! LOL. I loved every minute of it! It was great. No one wanted anything and no one talked during my favorite show. I need some me time more often. I'll have to talk to Ben about that.

Today is a beautiful day, I can't believe that Spring is finally on its way. Warm weather, Storms, kids outside, flowers, oooh I can't wait! Spring puts me in a better mood every year. I just can't get enough of it. Everything new and fresh. Ahhh. Relaxing

I dont' really have much to talk about today, I'm just kinda rambling. I wonder if anyone reads these things anyway? Hmm? Who knows.
Until Later
Heather

Do as I say, or wait better yet do what he says

Dicipline.

I know, its a dirty word and I'm sorry

Ben and I are having a lot of trouble with this part of our relationship.

I was raised by my mom. A single working mom of two children two years apart. Who worked and raised us with little to no outside help. Using the occasional wooden spoon to give us a spanking. By the time she remarried, dicipline was something she was no longer teaching but just enforcing what we already knew.

Ben was raised in a two parent household where his mom stayed home with him and his three brothers and used the ever so frequent "Just wait until your dad gets home" Boys who were spanked with belts or a paddle. These boys respect their dad more than a lot of teenage boys but they still fear his wrath also. They know that if dad said don't do it and they did, dad was gonna blister their butts. (boy all this spankin really sound awful, but I guess we all made it as civilized adult. The world really is a different place huh?)

So our upbringings seperate us when it comes to dicipline. I hate to see my children upset, so I am awful at dicicpline. I give in too easy, I let things go and I baby them when they are upset with me. I can't stick to a grounding. I'm always afraid they are gonna miss out on something and be upset. I hate to see them hurt. Ben on the other hand is trying to get them to to behave like children should behave. When they get into trouble, they get punished. And I completely agree, I just have a hard time when he does it and I want to run to them and baby them. I need some help on how to come to a happy medium. Ben has no intention of spanking the children. He says if they need it they will get it. But it is few and far between that he ever thinks they need one. And we have agreed that if they do need a spanking than it will be with a hand and not a firm one. I WILL NOT let someone dicicpline my (our) child with anything but what the good Lord gave you. I want to teach them right from wrong, not beat them. I do not believe in the "get the belt" or using a paddle. So we have made a step in the right direction in making agreements there. So my deal is. I have to find a way to let Ben dicicpline. He is better at it, he doesn't give in and the children listen to him. They know he is not a pushover like me. I want my children to grow up to be respectable adults and dicipline is required to do that. I am completly aware of that. I just need to learn to give up some control when it comes to that. I don't want the children to resent me for having Ben dicipline them. Ok enough about that. Any pointers? I'd be happy to listen.

Spring. I love Spring. What I dont' love is the bugs. Over the past week as things have started to thaw out I have killed three spiders and there is a fly crawling on the window as I speak. I hate Bugs!! I just hate them. Ugh. But on the other hand I had the best time today just listening to the thunderstorm. Boy to thunderstorms make me feel good. They are so relaxing. I love spring.

Bailey and I got to spend some time together today that we have not had in a long time. It was jut her and I. We got up this morning and lounged around the house in our PJ's. We left the house about 1 to go and get some Taco Bell (her and I's favorite fast food) then we stopped at the movie store and rented "Enchanted" Great movie I might add. We both really enjoyed it.
I love spending time with her doing girl things. I am going to have to find a way to do it with her more often.

The new me. I came to a conclusion yesterday. I am going to stop whining, stop complaining and stop being negative when it comes to Ben working all the time. I usually complain because he is not spending any time with us as a family and when he gets home he is always so tired that conversation is out of the picture. So the new me is going to embrace the fact that I have found a man with a good job, one is supporting us while I chase my dreams of going back to school. One who stepped up to the plate and took on an established family of four without even batting an eye. I am going to love him the best way I know how and show him just how much I appreciate what he does for us. Maybe then he will want to spend more time at home. I mean when I think about. Who really wants to work all day and all week and then spend the weekend arguing and being griped at for the things you have not done. Boy, Ive been so awful and ungrateful. Shame on me!

Ok, I'm done for now, Hope you all have a great day!!
Until Later
Heather

Another Day, Another Tomorrow

Hey all, its been a few days since I've been on here, (once again, the laptop has had a hard week at work with ben) I have wanted to blog all week and now that I am here, I can't think of a single thing to write about. I am sure that by the end of this blog that I will have found plenty of things to babble about. Lets See. Hmmmm

We'll start with Daily Life. Oh wait, thats the most boring subject of all. LOL

I do want to tell you all that Carl called the other day (this is his weekend) to tell me that he is going to take the kids all next week starting on Sunday. Well Bailey is going up north with my mom so he will have Hunter all week next week. I'm a little nervous. I have not been away from them that long in a long time, usually they are at my moms and I am ok with it. But I have never sent either of them to their dads for a week. The kids normally go on Friday night at 6 and come home Sunday night at 6. Never for a week. I think Hunter will do fine, its just been a long time since Carl had to deal with them for that long. I really hope he does not get irritated.

Bailey on the other hand is so excited to go to her Grandma Pam's for a week. She will get to help Grandma in the store, go shopping, do crafts, and eat Grandma Pams cooking all week. Hey wait a minute! I want to go to Grandma's!! I am sure she will have a blast.

Ethan is home with me all week. Just the two of us while Ben works. I think he is going to Grandma Poff's for a few nights in the middle of the week. He loves to go to his Grandma Poffs. She lets him bake, and eat sweets. (Just what he needs) they read, do puzzles and go on shopping trips. Ethan loves to shop.

I on the other hand am going to welcome the break with open arms. Theresa and I are joining some friends on Wednesday night for a girls night out at Maxi's. I am so excited. I can't remember the last time I went out with the girls. I'm not a big drinker, so Maxi's will be a blast. They have a huge dancefloor and great music. I love it there!!!

Ben and I are going to try to find some Ben and Heather time real soon. Things have been a little tense around here with our money situation. I have been broke before but never at an isolated time. This is a different broke. All through the summer Ben makes really good money. I thank the Lord everyday that he has found a job that he can rely on while living in Michigan. Heres the deal. Ben is a General Contractor. So during the late fall months (Oct, Nov) he starts to slow down and wrap up all of the jobs he started in the early fall, which also means collecting large paychecks. So early winter (Dec, Jan) we do just fine although there is no work. So that leads us to late winter (Feb, Mar) we are dead broke. I am so used to having money at my disposal that I am not sure how to handle this being broke situation. ( My goodness I sound greedy!) I know how to be broke I just think that I got spoiled before. So that leads us to early Spring (April, May) things really start to pick up and Ben works between 80 and 90 hours a week. Which before I was used to having him home everyday at 4. So I think Sprink is going to be a big adjustment for me every year if he stays in this line of work. I know I have to work through this and be patient. Its just hard. So every spring we are still dead broke until mid april and he is gone 90 hours a week. A huge change from having money just two months ago and him being home all the time.
I just need to be thankful for what I have. I know I know. Sometimes that is just really hard. I'll do it. I swear I am gonna work on it. I need him to know how much I appreciate the hard work he does. And I am trying.

Ok, enough about that. What else can I ramble about??? Hmm...ooh this is hard today.

SCHOOL!! Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you all. I am signing up for college real soon, I hope to start at the end of April. I am going to go to American Medical Careers. I am taking a PCT course. Patient Care Technition. I will be learning, EKG procedures, Nurses Aide procedures and my favorite Phlebotomy procedures (drawing blood) I am so excited. Finally I get to do something I can enjoy. Not that I dont' enjoy being a Stay at Home Mom, but the kids are going to be in school full time here real soon. Only a year and a half for Ethan. I need something to do while they are away. I am very excited to be able to help offer some money towards our everyday living. The course is 6 weeks long M-F from 8 to 4. Starting at the end of April, as long as I can get my financial aide taken care of. So wish me luck!

Ok, I told you I could find alot to ramble about today. And I did. I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be posting again soon!

Until Later
Heather

I just can't seem to live and learn

Well Easter went Fantastic! Saturday was a hit. Ben's grandparents loved the kids and his whole family was so welcoming to me. I found out that his great aunt laura ( his grandma's aunt) is the oldest Uof M graduate. She earned her teaching degree one class at a time. How cool is that.

The kids had an Easter Egg hunt at his grandma's well it was more of a scavenger hunt, the kids got a piece of paper with clues and they had to find their eggs, then Ben's aunt surprised us all with a hunt for the adults. Ben and I were on a misson...We found them all and came in second place. Not bad for a beginner!

The Easter Bunny does not visit our house Sunday Morning, its always been that way so that we were never late for church because we were playing with our toys and eating chocolate in our Easter best. So Sunday morning Ben and I were up bright and early to go to church with his dad. The church had a wonderful Easter breakfast of Eggs, Sausage, Biscuts and Gravy, Pancakes, Bacon, OJ and coffee. Needless to say I was full. It made it very hard to stay awake during the service, I always need a nap right after I fill my tummy. I made it through the service with only a few yawns. (Breakfast started at 8 in Swartz Creek, so were up at 6). After church Ben and I came home, (Bailey and Hunter were with my Grandma so they could go to church with her and Ethan was with Bens brothers) I started to make dinner for that evening. We had Lasagna, Salad, Cottage Cheese and Garlic Bread. It was a complete hit, his family loved it ( I took dinner to their house) While dinner was cooking at his parents house, Bens parents and Ben and I took a walk and I got to experience some of what it was like when Ben was a child. where he played, forts he built and trouble he got into. It was really nice.

The weekend was great. I must say I am quite happy with the way it went. Ben and I are still having a few bits of trouble here and there, I just don't know how to fix them. I just can't seem to portray to him how happy and appreciative I am. I try, and I think its enough, but its not getting the job done. Neither of us feel appreciated. I've got some work to do. I honestly think it is becasue I am getting back down in the dumps. I have put on 10lbs over this winter and I just don't seem to have the energy I had before. I need a boost. What I really need is summer I need the warm air and the fresh breeze to get me motivated. I am going to talk to my doctor and get back on my medication for awhile. I was taking Wellbutrin and it really seemed to help raise my spirits. I guess I am gonna take it for awhile longer. I am having a bit of trouble seeing the good in every day. I am always irritated, and on edge. I don't want to live like this. I have got to fix this.

Ok. Enough for now, Hope you all have a great day!

Heather

Here comes Peter Cottontail....

Hey all, I am gonna make this one quick, I have kids to get ready for their first Easter dinner at Ben's grandparents. We have never met this part of the family. (Ben's mom's side) Not only do I get to meet the grandparents today, I get to do it without Ben. He is working in West Bloomfield this morning, and since dinner is at 2 he is going to meet us there at 3. So I am going to follow Ben's parents and brothers down to Milford. I'm really really nervous. What if they dont' like me? What if they don't think I am good enough for him? Oh well, we love each other and that is all that matter. I don't know what the deal is today but my kids are driving me crazy!! They are not listening at all. Maybe I am just irritated who knows. I hope the kids are good at his grandparents house. How embarrasing if they are not.

Ok, I'll write more at the end of the weekend.
I hope you all have a great Easter!
Until later

Hmmm. I think I need work.

Ben came home from work today at 9am. Just to rebandage his fingers (He cut them with a circular saw yesterday, and boy are they ugly) Anyway we were standing in the bathroom and he said something that really stuck a cord with me. He is very big on budget, I am not, he is very big on Man vs Woman roles in the household. I am having trouble. Anyway, while he was bandaging his ring finger I jokingly said " I know what you were doing, you were trying to cut off your wedding band finger so you don't have to marry me" He then said " I will marry you, but we both have some things to work on first."
Does this mean he is taking back saying he will marry me? GRR CARL I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME DOUBT MEN! Sorry..exploded. I know what I have to work on, I have to let him run our household. He is the man in this relationship, I have to trust him with mine and our childrens lives. I just don't know how to do this. (Michelle, how do you do it and with such grace and poise?)
I am so used to running the house, paying the bills, grocery shopping, fixing things. All of that. I dont' know how to give up that control. I want to. trust me I do. I just dont' know how. The things we have to work on are me accepting our budget, learning how to let go, and let less things bother me.
I almost feel as if I need to argue. I don't know why, I am so used to arguing that it is nice not to but I feel as if something is missing. Ben works a lot of hours, I wonder if me "acting" upset is a way to get attention? Lord I feel like a child when I actually say that outloud.
This is just the beginning of a long summer of 90 hour work weeks, he leaves before sun up and comes home after sun down.(He is a General Contractor)
I have said on numerous occasions that I am an "attention whore" I need it, I crave it, I can't live without it. He tries so hard, and he does so well , I think I am just scared that I am not going to get it and start to feel like I am in a relationship that I don't enjoy. ( I don't want to have the feeling that I am back with Carl) Ben has no intention of making me feel that way, it just happens while he is out working and taking care of our family. I am think I am just being selfish. I dont' mean to. I swear!
I have never like to be alone, I love having someone home with me. Please tell me that I am just being silly, tell me that he loves me and I am over reacting. He is a 21 year old man who has taken on a woman and her three children. This can't be just a whim. I know he really does love me right?


Anyway, I wanted to share with you what my wonderful 4 year old said yesterday. We were on the way to drop him off at school and the Brooks and Dunn song came on the radio. The corus had just been sung "God must be busy" and Ethan piped up, "Of course god is busy, he's busy making sure we are all ok!
Now I am slacking on my part. Ethan has never been to church. Bailey and Hunter go every week, but Ben and I have never had the guts to take Ethan. he is such a busy body, and he has horrible stranger anxiety. I've never gotten up the nerve to take him.
I wonder how he knows these things, he knows the things that God has made, what he has done for us, he says grace with Ben at the dinner table. He is such a smart little boy. God has blessed me for sure!

Ok I am done for now, I will write more tomorrow!
Until Later
Heather

I hear evil, I see evil, Please lord keep me from being evil.

Ok. Child Custody. **WARNING** I am gonna gripe, moan and complain. Like it or Leave it.

Ok, as you all know, Carl and I have been divorced since October 29, 2007 and separated since September 29, 2006. When he left in September he pretty much disappeared off the face of the earth, we did not hear from him for a few weeks. He didn't call to check on the kids, nothing.

Well a few weeks went by and I get a call he wants to take the kids every other weekend. Great! I could honestly use the break. I'll tell you, if you have never been a mother of three going through a divorce you'll never understand how much help you really need. I always thought I was the one doing all the work for the kids because Carl was always too busy. Let me tell you, when you are instantly stuck into "sole provider" role. It stings. Like a bee! I never realized how much work Carl was actually putting into this. I didn't' notice the little things and never appreciated them (Hmm wonder why our marriage didn't' work??) anyway. I am now doing absolutely everything, housework, kid work, yard work, car work, me work, work, work, work. Its all on me! Wow. How did I do it?

Anyway back to visitation. He took all three kids from Friday at 6 until Sunday at 6. They seemed to have a good time, and wanted to go back, They missed their daddy.

Well this routine went on for months, the only bad thing was, Carl was setting up a custody case and I was not even aware of it. He called PS on me (they found nothing wrong and never even called again), he told friends of mine lies about my parenting skills, and to put it simple he made my life miserable.

Our first child support meeting came about. May of 2007 this was a SMILE meeting. (Start Making It Live able for Everyone). The mediator asked us what we wanted to do about custody, these were Carl's exact words " I want custody of the kids I don't' want to pay child support to that bitch" He said that right to the lady doing the informal investigation. So needless to say I received a letter approx a week later saying I had custody of the children and Carl has reasonable visitation and he has to pay $137 a week in child support.
A few weeks later I receive a letter saying that Carl has objected to this order, so now he can hold off paying support. But the real kicker is, he doesn't want to claim Ethan any longer, he says Ethan is not his and he refuses to pay child support on him. Now that's fine except he now does not have to pay child support on Ethan he also does not want to see Ethan. (as I write this, Ethan is in Ben(daddy)'s office singing E I E I O over and over again. how you turn away a beautiful child like Ethan I'll never know) So we go to court and sometime before Carl objected to this order he has the paternity tested on all three children. The results came back and he promptly took them to our next meeting in August. He presented the results to the referee and she never even looked at them, she said OK. You are no longer legally responsible for Ethan. Now we know that Ethan is not Carl's it is not a secret. It never was from anyone. **side note** Carl and I split up after a year of marriage august of 02 and we were sure that we were never getting back together, well me being the woman who can't stand to be alone, I started dating rob immediately after I left Carl. But not a minute before. I can't say that just talking to rob did not help me come to my decision though. Well long story short, I was desperate for attention and ended up pregnant not more than two weeks after I left Carl. Carl and I were already trying for a baby, so I was not on birth control. Well things did not work out with Rob and I and we split in December of 02. Carl and I decided to work things out in January of 03. I told him my situation and he proceeded to tell me everything will be OK, he will raise this baby as his own and we won't speak another word about it. He is his and that is that. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in May of 2003 and Carl was the best daddy ever up until it came time to pay child support. Yes Carl is on his birth certificate and Ethan does share his last name, but in the state of Michigan that means nothing ** back to story, now that you are filled in** So I had a four year old child on my hands who wanted nothing more than to see his daddy. I was torn up, and had no idea what to do. Well visitation stopped in Mid July, before the results came up, I told Carl that if he did not want all three than I was not going to send just two until the courts told me I had to, well after that, he did not see them again until Thanksgiving of 07. I started to hide it from Ethan and take the kids there every other weekend. It has been going good until our court date in December, he subpoenaed my brother and my sister in law to testify that I was a horrible mother, didn't' work, he filed the wrong paperwork and my lawyer caught it quickly, the session was adj urned until the 26th of February, well at this time Carl has obtained a lawyer and she is not ready, so she adjourns to the 13th of March. well that time also has come and gone, his lawyer had a "family emergency' but wanted to know if I would settle for split custody, the kids stay with me for one week and then with him for one and back and fourth. NO WAY!! I told them I would see them in court as soon as they could get there stuff together. So Ben and I went to see my attorney yesterday afternoon, he seems to think we have a solid case and Carl is floating on clouds, I don't want to curse myself but it seems like this may finally work out. My next date is set for the 14Th of April, lets see if they can hold to this one. I'll let everyone know. So here is my argument with Carl. does he honestly think that he can support these children better than i can? Who does he think has been taking care of them for almost 2 years with no child support, me that's who! I am the one providing for them on a daily bases not 4 days out of the month, i am the one who rubs their back when they are sick, studies homework, fills their prescriptions, goes to teacher conferences!! ME that's who! If he can not afford to pay child support than how is he going to support them full time? I wonder? Well I am done rambling for now, I am gonna go and relax for a bit before I take Ethan to school. You all have a wonderful day and I am sorry if I bored you, I was actually just writing to get my facts straightened out in my head so I know what to tell the judge in a month. I want to be prepared as much as possible.
Until Later
Heather

Time to wake up and smell the coffee!!

Well here I sit on the couch, feeling as lazy as ever. I just don't have the energy to move. I have laundry to do, that sits on the couch seperated into everyones baskets. But they scream at me......FOLD ME!! FOLD ME!! and I yell back in a not so nice tone..I DON'T WANT TO, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! Great I am yelling at my laundry and now I am telling the world about it. See what I mean. I'm crazy. Anyway, I am sure the laundry will get folded before the kids go to school naked. (I hope)

This weekend was great fun, I can't remember the last time we had such a drama free weekend, minus one who drank a little to much and his sober thoughts came out at drunken thoughts. Oh-Well things happen, and I am sure it was one of the best things that could have happened to those two. They actually talked things out the next day after they realized that both of them had been holding feelings of guilt, scardness, and anger inside. If you ask me I'll tell ya, Get that stuff out! Holding feelings in will kill ya...Start by blogging...boy does it feel good.

Anyway about our get together this weekend. Ben and I threw a First Annual Taste of Summer Party and we had an absolute blast!! Ben and I grabbed some munchies and I made oatmeal raisin cookies and sloppy joes, his mom brought swedish meatballs and Art brought some cheese and crackers. After I got this huge snackfest set out on the table people started showing up. As you all know I love to entertain, but for some reason getting people to show up is always a problem, so I was a little worried. Turns out I was worried for nothing. We had about 30 people show up. Perfect size party! Ben lit a bonfire in our new backyard and we set up some chairs. We all sat around telling jokes, talking and generally having a good time. It was a little chilly, but sitting next to the fire ben built us, we were just toasty. After a few people left, we all came inside and got to witness an arm wrestling match boy was that funny. We all retired at about 2am. Late enought for me, thats for sure. We didnt' do anything crazy, or out of the ordinary, we just got a chance to sit around and be ourselves for a few hours. Have a few drinks and enjoy the friends that we have. I can't wait to do it again.

This blog is going to be totally all over today, I can feel it. I just have so many things I want to talk about and I think I am going to try to get one or two of those things out today.

Ben and I have a problem, we both want to be in control. I don't exactly want to control everything I just want to know whats going on. With decisions, problems and solutions. I want to be a part of the final decision. This is not how things are happening. Ben and I have responsibilities and we know them well. He goes to work everyday to make money and support me and "our" chilren. I cook, clean, and take care of the house everyday. To be honest its a little rough for me. Dating a 100% clean freak is a little odd. I love a clean house, but if it doesnt' get done today I will get at it tomorrow, after all I have all day. Ben on the other hand can't handle it. He is under the understanding that everything needs to be done today. I am only one person, I can't do it. Heres the perfect example. I let laundry slide this last week, lets say I did probably 4 loads when i should have done 15. Ooops, Sometimes i just get burned out. Anyway. I started the laundry up yesterday, finished all but apprx 3 loads of it. I did not get the laundry put away. It is sitting on the couch in the living room seperated into each persons seperate basket. When Ben got home from work, I had dinner ready (Stuffed Pork Chops, Mashed Potatos, Corn and Breadsticks) we had dinner and then I started to get the kitchen cleaned up. While I was in the kitchen ben walks over to the couch and says "What can I do to help you get this laundry put away" Now I know, I'm overreacting, but you have to know Ben. This is his way of saying, "since you didnt' get the laundry put away, I will do it so I don't have to look at it." I'm wierd. When he says this, he makes me feel like I'm not doing enough so he has to do it. I DON'T WANT HIM TO DO IT!! I want to do it on my own time and use my own system. Just let me do it. I don't hound him when he doesnt' get something accomplished at work, I give him a hug, acknowledge the things he has done and tell him to have a good day at work. Ok, I know I know, this sounds bad, I just don't want him to feel like he has to come home and help. But there are going to be days when it looks like I need help. But I don't, just more hours in a day. I do my best, I swear I do. I just hate when he thinks I should have done more. Now let me clear the air and tell you he has never said I don't do enough, he is always supportive of the things I do, he just has this way of making me feel bad when he offers to help. I dont' even think he knows he is doing it. Am I the only one who understands what I am talking about?? Ok. Enough on that factor.

On to the next. The daddy/daughter dance. This year the dance is on April 11th. Bailey is so excited to go. **heres the surprise** She asked Ben to take her, not her dad. I didnt' know what to think, I was beaming with pride and happiness that she is accepting ben as her own, but then I had this twinge of guilt that felt bad for carl. he is her dad after all. But I think Bailey is realizing what the difference is between what Carl has done for her and what Ben has done for her. And maybe I'm wrong, she said the reason she was taking ben is because she has already gone with daddy before. Maybe its as simple as that. Anyway, the problem with this situation is, nosy people. I told a friend of mine about what Baileys decisions were. Next thing I know, the situation is making me look bad for letting Bailey make this decision. Carrie is upset that I did not tell Bailey she should take her dad. Well for starters she does not have to take her dad, her dad has not been there for her other than every other weekend for the past year and a half. Ben has been there for her everyday for the past few months making sure she is getting what she needs and making sure she is loved and taken care of. I think she is old enough to make this decision on her own. She's 8 years old. this is a decison I will not step into. Shes a big girl and she knows whats in her heart. If someone does not like it, than I am sorry and I hope if something ever happens to your family and you happen to fall in love with someone else, I hope your children can accept him into their lives with love and open arms like mine have.

I think I am done rambling for now, More in a few days, or maybe tomorrow if your lucky,
Until Later
Heather

The start of something new.

Well we are going to try this again. I had a great blog and it deleted itself. So here goes again

This is a blog to keep me occupied. I will be blogging daily happenings and personal dilemmas with myself. I will include my thoughts, my feelings and things that I just want to vent about.

I can not guarantee that this blog will always be interesting but I can guarantee that it will always be 100% the God's honest truth.

Let me start by telling you a little about me.
I am going to touch base on a few parts of my life but I will try to keep them short and simple for I will be blogging about them at a later time.

**Me**

Hi my name is Heather Suzanne Knight
I am 26 years old and I will be 27 in April
I am a 5'11" 190 pound girl who struggles daily with her weight.
I have self confidence issues, but I am working on them daily. And getting better I might add
I am a mother of three beautiful children
(more on them in a minute)
I am recently divorced out of a miserable 5 year marriage (we were legally divorced on October 29th 2007 but separated since September 29th 2006)
I am involved with a wonderful man who treats me like his queen
(more on Ben in a minute too)
I have been told I have a strong personality, and I pride myself on that. (although that's not what the person was going for)
I can be loud, but I can also be very shy(it just doesn't last long)
I have a quick sense of humor and I love that I can make people laugh just by being me.
**ok you'll find out more about me through daily blogs, that was just a start**

**My Kids**
I am a proud mommy to Bailey (8) Hunter (6) and Ethan (4)
My children are my pride and joy and my job. I am a stay at home mom.
Although they drive me crazy at times.
*Bailey*
Bailey is a blond hair, blue eyed tom boy. She loves to get dirty, sometimes I think she is dirtier than her brothers. But she also loves to dress up. She hates to have her hair done, but she loves makeup and pretty clothes. Bailey is one stubborn little chick. She struggles with a few things in school but were working on it. Bailey has ADHD. She is currently taking Strattera for it and it seems to be helping, but there are times when I wonder. I had Bailey when I was 18 years old so we are pretty darn close, she was the little miracle that saved me from years of partying and getting into trouble. I love her and would not trade her for the world.
*Hunter*
Hunter is my red headed blue eyed six year old wonder. Hunter is a quiet little boy but he also has a way of making himself heard. Hunter has his daddy's temper, not bad, but quick. He thinks many things through, you can sometimes just imagine the wheels turning in his head. Hunter is a very good student, he reads well and does math with the best of them. Hunter loves anything he can ride or push around. Ok anything with wheels might narrow that down. Including the occasional four wheeler or jet ski. He is a busy little man, but just watching him grow makes my heart swell with excitement.
*Ethan*
WoW Ethan where do I start, he is a brown haired brown eyed Tank. Ethan is a big boy. Ethan does not share the same dad as Bailey and Hunter and no he does not know. I am working on it (another blog) Anyway, Ethans dad is 6'7" and appx. 300lbs. Ethan is guaranteed to be a big boy. He is so busy, he never stops. This kid will crack you up, he is so darn funny. I don't' think he is trying to be funny I just think his "logical" way of thinking is hilarious. Another thing about Ethan, he will TALK YOUR EAR OFF! This kid never stops, he even talks to himself in the bathroom because he is alone and has no one to talk to. He is a delight to have around but exhausting all at the same time. One thing you should know about Ethan, he is DEATHLY afraid of the police taking him to jail. He wants to know if everything is illegal "Mom is it "illwegal" to talk with your mouth open?" Mom is it "illwegal" to walk through the house with your shoes on?" Mom is it "illwegal" to talk in your sleep?" I think you get the picture. I have no clue where he picked up on this illegal stuff but he's stuck on it. I don't think I will ever have to worry about him getting in trouble with the law.

**Ben**
I met Ben in July of 2007 on Yahoo Personals
We have officially been together since Christmas Eve of 2007
Dating and playing the field (as he called it) since August of 2007
Ben is my Knight in shining armor, he takes such good care of me.
I could not ask for a better person to share the rest of my life with.
Ben lets me stay home with "our" kids, while he goes to work every day
Ben claims my kids as his own and takes pride in being the best daddy ever
I love him and can't imagine my life without him.
Ben is a General Contractor for a company based out of Clio
He will be 22 in April (yes I know I am 5 years older)
Ben is very dedicated to his family
He has three brothers Caleb, Luke and Jake
Ben's parents are still together and going strong after practically 26 years
He works with his family (Uncle, cousins, brothers and his dad)
Ben is hard headed just ask him, he's never wrong.
But he also has the softest heart who can turn my worst day around in a split second.

**My Family**
My family is quite small.
I have one brother Jeremy who is married to Jillian. They have two boys Logan(2) and Benjamin(who will be one in August) and one on the way. We just found out yesterday that it is a girl. ( I think her name will be Olivia, but I don't' know for sure)
My mom (Pam) lives in Gladwin with my Step Dad (Dave) where they own and run a General Store
My Dad (Sam) lives in Oceanside California with my Step Mom (Sandee) and I know he teaches but to be honest with you I really don't know much about him
My Grandmother lives very close. We just recently lost the foundation of our family (My Grandpa) in August of 2006. Its been tough, but I know he would want us to be strong.
I see my grandma about once a week. She is a very reliable babysitter for me. And my kids adore her.
I have an Aunt and an Uncle who live in Clio; they have two children. Kim who is Married to Don and lives in Swartz Creek with their three girls. and Kris who is married to Carrie (my ex best friend, more on that later) and live in Clio with their two girls and a boy
I have another uncle who lives with my grandma, he is not married and has no children.
That consists of my immediate family. I have family on Dave's side (my step dad) but that family is not very large either.

**Friends**
I have a few close friends that I know I can trust with everything but I think I just want to use this space to kinda make a disclaimer so that no one gets offended with what I have written. I am going to use this blog as a place to vent. I am going to vent freely to my computer screen without the feeling of uneasiness that venting in real life presents. Sometimes I just need to let it all out but I don't' feel that I should do it to people who are also friends with that person. That puts them in an awkward spot and that is never my intention. I want people to realize that I am not writing this blog to anyone in particular, I am writing to pass my time, kinda like a biography. Contains my ups, downs and in betweens. I do not want people using this blog to spread information about anyone, or to get back at someone else. If that is your intention than my blog is not for you. Please hit the X in the top right corner. I will blog more about my friends at a later date.

I think that is all for now, just a bit on where my life stands.
I will be blogging tomorrow about this custody battle with my ex. Be prepared for some whining and complaining. Even some one sided opinions. I am not in this to be nice to him, just for the well being of my children and that is all. If you don't want to hear me complain. Then tomorrow is not for you.

I want to thank you all for reading and hopefully you enjoyed my ramblings!

Until Tomorrow
Heather