I am so insecure. I don't trust people as I should. I am constantly doubting Ben and his love for me. I am not blaming Carl 100% but I am going to blame 80% of this on him. I am so afraid every day that Ben is going to leave. I have no evidence and no real reason to think that he would. But my mind works overtime. Everytime he does something without telling me I wonder if he is with someone else, when he forgets to call, I wonder if he is busy with someone else (by someone else I mean someone that ben feels the same for them as I assume he feels for me.)Everytime he seems the slight bit sneaky I wonder why and for who..
I am driving myself crazy. And I know he must be going crazy too. He does not deserve this doubt. But I am always asking myself...What if he does? What if he really is doing something I should doubt.
The other thing that is killing me, I don't always think he is with someone else, I wonder if he would just be happy without me.
We are moving again soon. I wonder if he will move with me? I wonder if he just wants me to move into somewhere I can afford so that he won't feel bad for leaving me with nothing.
My own mind is making me crazy. How do I make this stop??? I pray everyday and it does not seem to be working. I don't mean to doubt but I am only human and I am getting more and more discouraged every day.
Ben makes me so happy, but I am wondering if I do the same for him.
We are doing just fine. No tiffs, no nothing, just me, doubting myself and him.
Carl did a real number on my self esteem and my trust abilities.
I don't trust anyone, I am afraid they are all going to hurt me like Carl did.
WHAT DO I DO?????
Sorry, just me ranting and raving
On a lighter note, I hope you all have a great long weekend!!
Until Later
Heather
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I GOT GAS!!!
Yup, you heard me, I got gas this morning for $3.35 a gallon at the Beakon and Bridge gas station Mt Morris and 75. CK105.5 was doing a promotion this morning from 7-9am. They took .50 off the price of gas. I filled up my car for 26 bucks! It was great. Ok, done gloating, I was just so happy!!!
I don't really have much to talk about today.
Ben and I had an ok weekend. He is so busy all the time during the summer. I miss him like crazy. He's gone again this week until Friday. I can only thank the lord that I am working now and the days seem to go by so much quicker and friday gets here just as fast.
So lets see..last weekend....
Friday we didn't do much. Ben came home and we ordered some takeout for dinner. It was really good. I had a chicken club sandwich from Twins. No Mayo and loaded with lettuce and onion. Oh goodness. WONDERFUL!
Ben worked in Swartz Creek on Saturday and the kids and I got some errands done and things around the house. It was a pretty easy day. Bailey and Hunter went to their dads on Saturday night, and Ethan went to his grandmas. ALONE TIME!!! It was nice. We went to a nice dinner at Lucky's and we we visited Bens parents at their house. They had a fire going and we all just sat and relaxed for a bit. Relaxation. Oh what a joy!
Sunday was nice, I ran a few more errands and picked up a birthday present for Ethan.
We had Bens parents and brothers over for cake and ice cream and they played Baseball with the kids in the backyard (I'll post myspace pictures later today) We all had a really good time and the kids were exhausted. YEAH!!
Monday was just another day, I went to work and then to Baileys Softball practice. She's doing so well, I'm so very proud of her.
Alright, enough for now! I'm off to get some more work done!
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Heather
I don't really have much to talk about today.
Ben and I had an ok weekend. He is so busy all the time during the summer. I miss him like crazy. He's gone again this week until Friday. I can only thank the lord that I am working now and the days seem to go by so much quicker and friday gets here just as fast.
So lets see..last weekend....
Friday we didn't do much. Ben came home and we ordered some takeout for dinner. It was really good. I had a chicken club sandwich from Twins. No Mayo and loaded with lettuce and onion. Oh goodness. WONDERFUL!
Ben worked in Swartz Creek on Saturday and the kids and I got some errands done and things around the house. It was a pretty easy day. Bailey and Hunter went to their dads on Saturday night, and Ethan went to his grandmas. ALONE TIME!!! It was nice. We went to a nice dinner at Lucky's and we we visited Bens parents at their house. They had a fire going and we all just sat and relaxed for a bit. Relaxation. Oh what a joy!
Sunday was nice, I ran a few more errands and picked up a birthday present for Ethan.
We had Bens parents and brothers over for cake and ice cream and they played Baseball with the kids in the backyard (I'll post myspace pictures later today) We all had a really good time and the kids were exhausted. YEAH!!
Monday was just another day, I went to work and then to Baileys Softball practice. She's doing so well, I'm so very proud of her.
Alright, enough for now! I'm off to get some more work done!
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Heather
Friday, May 16, 2008
How fast things change.
Well it has been almost a month since my last post and I am happy to report that things are going much better.
Ben decided that we have a lot of things to work on (and I agree) but he is willing to work on them with me. We have been doing a lot better, I admit, I still get angry but I am controlling it much better now.
Ben has been working in Kalamazoo all week and he comes home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy when he is gone, but its good for us. We need to give each other a break. He will be gone during the week for possibly the next month and a half. But its ok. I'm good with it. Finally.
I STARTED WORKING!! I have been dying to go back to work for quite sometime now, but I have been so scared to do so. I have not held a full time job since I was pregnant for Ethan and even then I found myself quitting so I could spend time at home with my babies.
I would still love to spend time at home with my kids but the economy is just now allowing me to do that. I need to help bring home the bacon, or atleast some kind of meat to put on the table to eat.
I am missing my babies like crazy and I still have this feeling that what I am doing is not right, but I am slowing overcoming that. Even though I can not be home with them, me going to work has been the best thing I can do for them. Reason number one. Working helps me provide for them even if I am single. If something were to happen to ben (GOD FORBID) I would have been stuck in a rut, and my children would have suffered. Reason number two. I want my children to see that you have to earn what it takes to be successful. Reason number three. Working solidifys my case against carl. He wants full custody of the children, well me not working was the only thing holding me back from a win. I now have no reaso to worry that the courts will find him more suitable. This is one heck of a weight off my shoulders.
Now back to my job. I love it!! I work in Oak Park for a branch of AT&T that is promoting the new UVerse cable, internet and home phone service. I am the office administrator for a large company that relies on me to make this office run smoothly. I love all of my co-workers. and I could not ask for anything better. I work M-F 8-4 but I am usually out by 3 and still get paid until 4. I do drive quite a ways, but its worth it.
CHANGE OF SUBJECT
My boys are growing up. Hunter turned 7 years old on the first. Where did the time go??? He is such a little man, I see more and more of Carl in him everyday. I know that I am going to have to work hard to make sure he only carries his good traits and not the bad. But so far, were doing great.
Even more scary. My baby turns 5 on Monday. OMG when did the time pass me? He is such a character, he makes us laugh on a daily basis. I can't even begin to think of all the funny things he says. But he also is a little pistol. Ethan has a temper that sometimes is uncontrollable. I don't know if it is a boy thing or if there is some kind of underlying problem that he can not portray to me. Ethan has been through so much in the last year and I blame myself for putting him through all of this, but I haven't got a clue how to fix it. He just seems that sometimes he is so angry. But those times are not as frequent as the times that he is just to happy and full of life and energy. He is a great little boy, and I have no clue what i would do if I did not have him.
So that is my update for now. I have a few more things to talk about, but not enough time to do it now, so look back soon for another update!
Have a great Weekend and until next time....
Heather
Ben decided that we have a lot of things to work on (and I agree) but he is willing to work on them with me. We have been doing a lot better, I admit, I still get angry but I am controlling it much better now.
Ben has been working in Kalamazoo all week and he comes home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy when he is gone, but its good for us. We need to give each other a break. He will be gone during the week for possibly the next month and a half. But its ok. I'm good with it. Finally.
I STARTED WORKING!! I have been dying to go back to work for quite sometime now, but I have been so scared to do so. I have not held a full time job since I was pregnant for Ethan and even then I found myself quitting so I could spend time at home with my babies.
I would still love to spend time at home with my kids but the economy is just now allowing me to do that. I need to help bring home the bacon, or atleast some kind of meat to put on the table to eat.
I am missing my babies like crazy and I still have this feeling that what I am doing is not right, but I am slowing overcoming that. Even though I can not be home with them, me going to work has been the best thing I can do for them. Reason number one. Working helps me provide for them even if I am single. If something were to happen to ben (GOD FORBID) I would have been stuck in a rut, and my children would have suffered. Reason number two. I want my children to see that you have to earn what it takes to be successful. Reason number three. Working solidifys my case against carl. He wants full custody of the children, well me not working was the only thing holding me back from a win. I now have no reaso to worry that the courts will find him more suitable. This is one heck of a weight off my shoulders.
Now back to my job. I love it!! I work in Oak Park for a branch of AT&T that is promoting the new UVerse cable, internet and home phone service. I am the office administrator for a large company that relies on me to make this office run smoothly. I love all of my co-workers. and I could not ask for anything better. I work M-F 8-4 but I am usually out by 3 and still get paid until 4. I do drive quite a ways, but its worth it.
CHANGE OF SUBJECT
My boys are growing up. Hunter turned 7 years old on the first. Where did the time go??? He is such a little man, I see more and more of Carl in him everyday. I know that I am going to have to work hard to make sure he only carries his good traits and not the bad. But so far, were doing great.
Even more scary. My baby turns 5 on Monday. OMG when did the time pass me? He is such a character, he makes us laugh on a daily basis. I can't even begin to think of all the funny things he says. But he also is a little pistol. Ethan has a temper that sometimes is uncontrollable. I don't know if it is a boy thing or if there is some kind of underlying problem that he can not portray to me. Ethan has been through so much in the last year and I blame myself for putting him through all of this, but I haven't got a clue how to fix it. He just seems that sometimes he is so angry. But those times are not as frequent as the times that he is just to happy and full of life and energy. He is a great little boy, and I have no clue what i would do if I did not have him.
So that is my update for now. I have a few more things to talk about, but not enough time to do it now, so look back soon for another update!
Have a great Weekend and until next time....
Heather
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