Things here have been tough. Ben is stressed to the max. I believe he thinks that if it was just him, he would not be letting anyone down. He is not sure we are doing the right thing. He's gonna let me know tomorrow if we should continue our relationship. He wanted to think on it and make a good decision. If it were me there is only one decision. To stay and work on things. But I am not Ben and he does not think that way. I only wish I could sway his decisoin but he stands quite firmly on his own ground and takes pride in making decisions on his own. I'm scared to death, I don't want to lose him and I am not sure he feels the same way. He said if we can't survive this problem than how are we ever going to survive anything bigger. I know exactly how, we survive this problem. We don't run at the first sign of stormy waters. The storms will come and go, but just like Michigan. We have more days without rain than we do with. And the storms make everything alive, Why can't relationships be just like lawns. The start out with barely any roots, they slowly plant themselves, they need storms to make them grow, and every once in awhile they need some maintenance just to keep them looking good. That seems simple enought to me. So with this said. I need your prayers! I need them bad. I have been praying all day, I just hope its enough. I'm scared and miserable right now. Please help me Lord!

Gotta be somethin to ramble about

Well I haven't been on in awhile, but I'm back. Today is the beginning of the 4th day that Ben has been gone to Kalamazoo. I miss him like crazy, things are so wierd around her without him home at night. See Ben is a clean freak. I am well not. So I am constantly trying to make sure things are done to where he is comfortable. So when he left on Tuesday, I thougth to myself. Here is the chance to let cleaning slide for a couple of days. Now Ben and I have lived together since the 1st of January. So three and a half months. In 3.5 months time, I have become a clean freak!!! How did this happen. I am still chasing after the kids making sure nothing is out of place, sweeping, mopping, making beds, dusting, doing laundry, dishes, washing windows, scrubbing toilets, scrubbing tubs, wiping down sinks, and anything else you can imagine when I just did all of that stuff the day before! What am I doing! :) He has made me lose my mind. LOL. But to be honest with you, I love it. My house always smells so nice, I know where everything is, and I don't have to worry about unexpected company. Come right on in! My house is clean and I know it. You can even use the bathroom. I cleaned it too! No dishes hidden in the oven so I can even make you dinner, no dirty laundry hidden in my room, so I can show you my new bedset. Wanna have a cup of cofee with me? Sure I have clean dishes! Its great! Now I am not saying that was always the case but usually something like that was wrong. (Just not all of them at the same time) I was not a slob, just really busy and things got pushed back. But I have learned to regulate times for everything. I LOVE IT!

So Ben is gone now from Monday thru Friday for the next two months or so. I can't stand it. But he has to do what he has to do to keep this family running. I love, admire and appreciate that from him more and more everyday. I know he doesnt' want to go anymore than I want him to go.

I prayed hard this morning. Ben and I are having major financial issues. Our savings is depleting quickly. There is just no more work for the General Contractor in Genesee county. When this job in Kalamazoo is done, they have no more work. I prayed that the good Lord would help us out. If you all could keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it. We need all the help we can get. Ben is so used to having money at his disposal that he just doesnt' know how to handle this. It is stressing him out which stresses me out and then in turns stresses out our children and our relationship. We need prayer. We need a miracle soon. Michigan is taking families out one by one. Our economy is ruining people, it is dousing any hope they had and putting a huge strain on families. I wish someone would see that. If you want a happy world then you are going to have to make people happy. Making people struggle everyday needlessly does not make for happy people. It makes for stressed out people, this world does not need that.

Speaking of stress. I had court appointment on Monday. I like a moron, did not go. Now I did not miss this court appointment on purpose. I have thought in my head all week prior that I had a court appointment on Tuesday. now I knew it was the 14th but I just thought that the 14th was Tuesday and nothing happened prior to that to make me realize otherwise. So at 4am on Tuesday morning for some reason, Ben and I were both awake. I had just started to fall asleep and the H&R Block commercial that I had seen on Monday afternoon ran through my head. You only have one more day left to file your taxes. Hmm Glad I did mine......oh wait that means that today must be the 15th!!!! I rolled over quickly and said. "Honey, what day is today!!! I mean the date what is the date. Now Ben is looking at me like I have lost my mind wondering why I am so flipped out at 4am about the date. So before he can answer I run to the kitchen and check the calendar. TODAY IS THE 15TH I MISSED MY COURT DATE!! I flopped back into bed and told Ben through tears what had happened. Now Ben does not do crying, he just doesnt' know what to do (coming from a family of all boys, not even any girl cousins or anything, they didn't cry much) He rolled over after a few minutes and put his arms around me buried my face in his chest and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and kept telling me that things were gonna be ok, people make mistakes all the time, I'm human. Things will be ok. Well all of that and I still cried until 6 in the morning, until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up at 10 minutes to 9 I got up and grabbed the phone, waited all 8 and a half minutes to 9 and then called my lawyer. After I told her what I had done, she said "Heather don't worry, Carl didnt' show up either." His lawyer didnt' show, he didnt' show, no one did but my lawyer. So since the motion was filed by Carl and his attorney, and they did not show up for their own hearing. The custody battle will be swept under the rug for now. Carl can still file another, but I am doubting this will happen. So I thank God every second I remember for being a watchful eye for me on Monday morning.

Ok, I think I may be done rambling for the next few hours while I get this house into tip top shape for when Ben comes home tonight. I want him to be proud of me that I kept this house in working order while he was gone. Isnt' that silly? Oh well, sometimes a little silliness goes a long way. Have a great day, a great weekend and I will talk again soon! Until Later
Heather

You get nosy, you get what you deserve

Ok, well I sent Ben a myspace message today and decided I wanted to send him a different one after I had already sent it. So, I went onto his myspace page and deleted the initial message I had send him. Well my curious eyes seen a message from an ex girlfriend who happens to live in Kalamazoo. (Where he will be staying for the next few months while he works) She just wanted to wish him happy birthday and told him to have fun with the family life. And if he is ever in town after she gets out of work, they should get together. . It was his reply that shocked me. He told her he lost his phone. Not true, he switched plans so we were on the same plan. and gave her his new number. He continued to say that the family life has its ups and downs but he'll see how the cards hit the table??? What is that supposed to mean? I thought the cards had already hit the table. I thought us being together was what was dealt to us. I know I have got to be overreacting to this. As I write this, the tears won't stop. I dont' know what in the world I am supposed to think. He comes home late, like after 930 all the time, so has she called and he spent time with her after work? I don't know if my heart can take him being gone for months and then wondering if she is there with him when I can't be. Have I asked to much of him to stop being a bachelor and be a family man? Well technically I didnt ask him, he chased me down while I was in a different relationship and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. So I made my decision and now I have to deal with this? What have I done???? I can only hope this is just my lack of trust that is making me think this. I know I should trust unconditionally, but I have a very hard time with that. Carl did one heck of a number on my trust capabilities. I am just so on edge with men all the time. Ben is the best person I could ever ask for in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. But does he feel the same? I wonder if I will ever be one of those girls who get the man who loves her just as much as she loves him. It always seems like I put more into things than I should.

You know, the relationship I was in before, was a relationship I was not happy with. But none the less. He cared about me. His life revolved around me. What in the world was I thinking? I could not get Ben out of my head while I was with Richard. I just could not put my heart into my current relationship. I wanted so badly to be with ben and when he came to me on Christmas Eve, my world was complete. He told me he could not live without me, that he needed me in his life. and that being with me would make him the happiest man alive. What happened??? Did I do something to make him change his mind. I don't think my heart can handle one more break. I'm not as strong as people seem to think I am. I am weak and I depend on others way to much. I need to be as strong as people think I am so I can do this. But it just isnt' working!! Ok. I have rambled to the point where I can't see the screen through my tears. I am gonna be fine, and this is going to work out just fine. I just need to trust and love him like I have been. God has a plan mapped out for me, I just hope the journey involves Ben and not a bunch of cats once my children have grown up! LOL
Until Later
Heather

Ok, Ok, I thought about it.

Ok, Michelle and Leigh made me realize something today. Ben does not make me who I am. I make me who I am. I think what I meant to say it Ben makes me want to be the person I am today. He helps me realize how important I am to my children and friends and family around me. So yes they are right. I make me who I am, but Ben makes that possible. Because of Ben I am a much happier person, much more approachable, and just plain out enjoying life because I share it with him.

This one is going to be short. I am on my way to the shower. Ben and I are going back to Milford. Tonight is his Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary party. We both get to dress up and spend the night kid free. We are going to be able to enjoy each other for 5 whole hours! I am so excited. I can't remember the last time we spent 5 hours together (unless we were sleeping).

50 years. WoW what I wouldn't give for a love to last that long. I am hoping that is what Ben and I can celebrate in our old age. 50 years from now I will be almost 77 and Ben will be almost 72. wow. what a love that must be. I really look up to my grandparents and his for being able to make it that long! CONGRATS

Ok, I'm outta here!
I'll let you know how it goes
Until Later
Heather

Maybe it is, Maybe it isn't

I haven't decided yet if my new way of life towards Ben working all of the time is working yet or not.
Ben delivered the news to me yesterday that the company has a job in Kalamazoo that needs to be started soon. OK, no big deal. But the real kicker is, he is going to rent a house in Kalamazoo so the guys can stay there during the week. So they do not have to drive home. I don't think I can handle that. Ben keeps me on my toes. He makes the person I am. What am I going to do without him??? I'm scared to death to not have him here. Almost to the point of tears. And now that I have made the resolution to not complain about his work hours, he is under the impression that I dont' mind. I really do mind. I need him home! UGH!

On a different note, I had the morning to myself today, Bailey is at my moms, Hunter is at his Dads and Ethan was at his G-Grandmas's. Do you know what I did with that time to myself. That time that I had to get some work done uninterrupted?? I did nothing. I slept until 10am and then lounged on the couch! What a bum I am! LOL. I loved every minute of it! It was great. No one wanted anything and no one talked during my favorite show. I need some me time more often. I'll have to talk to Ben about that.

Today is a beautiful day, I can't believe that Spring is finally on its way. Warm weather, Storms, kids outside, flowers, oooh I can't wait! Spring puts me in a better mood every year. I just can't get enough of it. Everything new and fresh. Ahhh. Relaxing

I dont' really have much to talk about today, I'm just kinda rambling. I wonder if anyone reads these things anyway? Hmm? Who knows.
Until Later
Heather