Once Bitten.....Twice Shy

I am so insecure. I don't trust people as I should. I am constantly doubting Ben and his love for me. I am not blaming Carl 100% but I am going to blame 80% of this on him. I am so afraid every day that Ben is going to leave. I have no evidence and no real reason to think that he would. But my mind works overtime. Everytime he does something without telling me I wonder if he is with someone else, when he forgets to call, I wonder if he is busy with someone else (by someone else I mean someone that ben feels the same for them as I assume he feels for me.)Everytime he seems the slight bit sneaky I wonder why and for who..

I am driving myself crazy. And I know he must be going crazy too. He does not deserve this doubt. But I am always asking myself...What if he does? What if he really is doing something I should doubt.

The other thing that is killing me, I don't always think he is with someone else, I wonder if he would just be happy without me.

We are moving again soon. I wonder if he will move with me? I wonder if he just wants me to move into somewhere I can afford so that he won't feel bad for leaving me with nothing.

My own mind is making me crazy. How do I make this stop??? I pray everyday and it does not seem to be working. I don't mean to doubt but I am only human and I am getting more and more discouraged every day.

Ben makes me so happy, but I am wondering if I do the same for him.
We are doing just fine. No tiffs, no nothing, just me, doubting myself and him.
Carl did a real number on my self esteem and my trust abilities.
I don't trust anyone, I am afraid they are all going to hurt me like Carl did.
WHAT DO I DO?????
Sorry, just me ranting and raving

On a lighter note, I hope you all have a great long weekend!!

Until Later
Heather

I GOT GAS!!!

Yup, you heard me, I got gas this morning for $3.35 a gallon at the Beakon and Bridge gas station Mt Morris and 75. CK105.5 was doing a promotion this morning from 7-9am. They took .50 off the price of gas. I filled up my car for 26 bucks! It was great. Ok, done gloating, I was just so happy!!!

I don't really have much to talk about today.

Ben and I had an ok weekend. He is so busy all the time during the summer. I miss him like crazy. He's gone again this week until Friday. I can only thank the lord that I am working now and the days seem to go by so much quicker and friday gets here just as fast.

So lets see..last weekend....

Friday we didn't do much. Ben came home and we ordered some takeout for dinner. It was really good. I had a chicken club sandwich from Twins. No Mayo and loaded with lettuce and onion. Oh goodness. WONDERFUL!
Ben worked in Swartz Creek on Saturday and the kids and I got some errands done and things around the house. It was a pretty easy day. Bailey and Hunter went to their dads on Saturday night, and Ethan went to his grandmas. ALONE TIME!!! It was nice. We went to a nice dinner at Lucky's and we we visited Bens parents at their house. They had a fire going and we all just sat and relaxed for a bit. Relaxation. Oh what a joy!
Sunday was nice, I ran a few more errands and picked up a birthday present for Ethan.
We had Bens parents and brothers over for cake and ice cream and they played Baseball with the kids in the backyard (I'll post myspace pictures later today) We all had a really good time and the kids were exhausted. YEAH!!
Monday was just another day, I went to work and then to Baileys Softball practice. She's doing so well, I'm so very proud of her.

Alright, enough for now! I'm off to get some more work done!
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Heather

How fast things change.

Well it has been almost a month since my last post and I am happy to report that things are going much better.

Ben decided that we have a lot of things to work on (and I agree) but he is willing to work on them with me. We have been doing a lot better, I admit, I still get angry but I am controlling it much better now.

Ben has been working in Kalamazoo all week and he comes home tomorrow. I miss him like crazy when he is gone, but its good for us. We need to give each other a break. He will be gone during the week for possibly the next month and a half. But its ok. I'm good with it. Finally.

I STARTED WORKING!! I have been dying to go back to work for quite sometime now, but I have been so scared to do so. I have not held a full time job since I was pregnant for Ethan and even then I found myself quitting so I could spend time at home with my babies.

I would still love to spend time at home with my kids but the economy is just now allowing me to do that. I need to help bring home the bacon, or atleast some kind of meat to put on the table to eat.

I am missing my babies like crazy and I still have this feeling that what I am doing is not right, but I am slowing overcoming that. Even though I can not be home with them, me going to work has been the best thing I can do for them. Reason number one. Working helps me provide for them even if I am single. If something were to happen to ben (GOD FORBID) I would have been stuck in a rut, and my children would have suffered. Reason number two. I want my children to see that you have to earn what it takes to be successful. Reason number three. Working solidifys my case against carl. He wants full custody of the children, well me not working was the only thing holding me back from a win. I now have no reaso to worry that the courts will find him more suitable. This is one heck of a weight off my shoulders.

Now back to my job. I love it!! I work in Oak Park for a branch of AT&T that is promoting the new UVerse cable, internet and home phone service. I am the office administrator for a large company that relies on me to make this office run smoothly. I love all of my co-workers. and I could not ask for anything better. I work M-F 8-4 but I am usually out by 3 and still get paid until 4. I do drive quite a ways, but its worth it.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT

My boys are growing up. Hunter turned 7 years old on the first. Where did the time go??? He is such a little man, I see more and more of Carl in him everyday. I know that I am going to have to work hard to make sure he only carries his good traits and not the bad. But so far, were doing great.

Even more scary. My baby turns 5 on Monday. OMG when did the time pass me? He is such a character, he makes us laugh on a daily basis. I can't even begin to think of all the funny things he says. But he also is a little pistol. Ethan has a temper that sometimes is uncontrollable. I don't know if it is a boy thing or if there is some kind of underlying problem that he can not portray to me. Ethan has been through so much in the last year and I blame myself for putting him through all of this, but I haven't got a clue how to fix it. He just seems that sometimes he is so angry. But those times are not as frequent as the times that he is just to happy and full of life and energy. He is a great little boy, and I have no clue what i would do if I did not have him.

So that is my update for now. I have a few more things to talk about, but not enough time to do it now, so look back soon for another update!
Have a great Weekend and until next time....
Heather

Things here have been tough. Ben is stressed to the max. I believe he thinks that if it was just him, he would not be letting anyone down. He is not sure we are doing the right thing. He's gonna let me know tomorrow if we should continue our relationship. He wanted to think on it and make a good decision. If it were me there is only one decision. To stay and work on things. But I am not Ben and he does not think that way. I only wish I could sway his decisoin but he stands quite firmly on his own ground and takes pride in making decisions on his own. I'm scared to death, I don't want to lose him and I am not sure he feels the same way. He said if we can't survive this problem than how are we ever going to survive anything bigger. I know exactly how, we survive this problem. We don't run at the first sign of stormy waters. The storms will come and go, but just like Michigan. We have more days without rain than we do with. And the storms make everything alive, Why can't relationships be just like lawns. The start out with barely any roots, they slowly plant themselves, they need storms to make them grow, and every once in awhile they need some maintenance just to keep them looking good. That seems simple enought to me. So with this said. I need your prayers! I need them bad. I have been praying all day, I just hope its enough. I'm scared and miserable right now. Please help me Lord!

Gotta be somethin to ramble about

Well I haven't been on in awhile, but I'm back. Today is the beginning of the 4th day that Ben has been gone to Kalamazoo. I miss him like crazy, things are so wierd around her without him home at night. See Ben is a clean freak. I am well not. So I am constantly trying to make sure things are done to where he is comfortable. So when he left on Tuesday, I thougth to myself. Here is the chance to let cleaning slide for a couple of days. Now Ben and I have lived together since the 1st of January. So three and a half months. In 3.5 months time, I have become a clean freak!!! How did this happen. I am still chasing after the kids making sure nothing is out of place, sweeping, mopping, making beds, dusting, doing laundry, dishes, washing windows, scrubbing toilets, scrubbing tubs, wiping down sinks, and anything else you can imagine when I just did all of that stuff the day before! What am I doing! :) He has made me lose my mind. LOL. But to be honest with you, I love it. My house always smells so nice, I know where everything is, and I don't have to worry about unexpected company. Come right on in! My house is clean and I know it. You can even use the bathroom. I cleaned it too! No dishes hidden in the oven so I can even make you dinner, no dirty laundry hidden in my room, so I can show you my new bedset. Wanna have a cup of cofee with me? Sure I have clean dishes! Its great! Now I am not saying that was always the case but usually something like that was wrong. (Just not all of them at the same time) I was not a slob, just really busy and things got pushed back. But I have learned to regulate times for everything. I LOVE IT!

So Ben is gone now from Monday thru Friday for the next two months or so. I can't stand it. But he has to do what he has to do to keep this family running. I love, admire and appreciate that from him more and more everyday. I know he doesnt' want to go anymore than I want him to go.

I prayed hard this morning. Ben and I are having major financial issues. Our savings is depleting quickly. There is just no more work for the General Contractor in Genesee county. When this job in Kalamazoo is done, they have no more work. I prayed that the good Lord would help us out. If you all could keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it. We need all the help we can get. Ben is so used to having money at his disposal that he just doesnt' know how to handle this. It is stressing him out which stresses me out and then in turns stresses out our children and our relationship. We need prayer. We need a miracle soon. Michigan is taking families out one by one. Our economy is ruining people, it is dousing any hope they had and putting a huge strain on families. I wish someone would see that. If you want a happy world then you are going to have to make people happy. Making people struggle everyday needlessly does not make for happy people. It makes for stressed out people, this world does not need that.

Speaking of stress. I had court appointment on Monday. I like a moron, did not go. Now I did not miss this court appointment on purpose. I have thought in my head all week prior that I had a court appointment on Tuesday. now I knew it was the 14th but I just thought that the 14th was Tuesday and nothing happened prior to that to make me realize otherwise. So at 4am on Tuesday morning for some reason, Ben and I were both awake. I had just started to fall asleep and the H&R Block commercial that I had seen on Monday afternoon ran through my head. You only have one more day left to file your taxes. Hmm Glad I did mine......oh wait that means that today must be the 15th!!!! I rolled over quickly and said. "Honey, what day is today!!! I mean the date what is the date. Now Ben is looking at me like I have lost my mind wondering why I am so flipped out at 4am about the date. So before he can answer I run to the kitchen and check the calendar. TODAY IS THE 15TH I MISSED MY COURT DATE!! I flopped back into bed and told Ben through tears what had happened. Now Ben does not do crying, he just doesnt' know what to do (coming from a family of all boys, not even any girl cousins or anything, they didn't cry much) He rolled over after a few minutes and put his arms around me buried my face in his chest and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and kept telling me that things were gonna be ok, people make mistakes all the time, I'm human. Things will be ok. Well all of that and I still cried until 6 in the morning, until I finally fell asleep. When I woke up at 10 minutes to 9 I got up and grabbed the phone, waited all 8 and a half minutes to 9 and then called my lawyer. After I told her what I had done, she said "Heather don't worry, Carl didnt' show up either." His lawyer didnt' show, he didnt' show, no one did but my lawyer. So since the motion was filed by Carl and his attorney, and they did not show up for their own hearing. The custody battle will be swept under the rug for now. Carl can still file another, but I am doubting this will happen. So I thank God every second I remember for being a watchful eye for me on Monday morning.

Ok, I think I may be done rambling for the next few hours while I get this house into tip top shape for when Ben comes home tonight. I want him to be proud of me that I kept this house in working order while he was gone. Isnt' that silly? Oh well, sometimes a little silliness goes a long way. Have a great day, a great weekend and I will talk again soon! Until Later
Heather

You get nosy, you get what you deserve

Ok, well I sent Ben a myspace message today and decided I wanted to send him a different one after I had already sent it. So, I went onto his myspace page and deleted the initial message I had send him. Well my curious eyes seen a message from an ex girlfriend who happens to live in Kalamazoo. (Where he will be staying for the next few months while he works) She just wanted to wish him happy birthday and told him to have fun with the family life. And if he is ever in town after she gets out of work, they should get together. . It was his reply that shocked me. He told her he lost his phone. Not true, he switched plans so we were on the same plan. and gave her his new number. He continued to say that the family life has its ups and downs but he'll see how the cards hit the table??? What is that supposed to mean? I thought the cards had already hit the table. I thought us being together was what was dealt to us. I know I have got to be overreacting to this. As I write this, the tears won't stop. I dont' know what in the world I am supposed to think. He comes home late, like after 930 all the time, so has she called and he spent time with her after work? I don't know if my heart can take him being gone for months and then wondering if she is there with him when I can't be. Have I asked to much of him to stop being a bachelor and be a family man? Well technically I didnt ask him, he chased me down while I was in a different relationship and told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. So I made my decision and now I have to deal with this? What have I done???? I can only hope this is just my lack of trust that is making me think this. I know I should trust unconditionally, but I have a very hard time with that. Carl did one heck of a number on my trust capabilities. I am just so on edge with men all the time. Ben is the best person I could ever ask for in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. But does he feel the same? I wonder if I will ever be one of those girls who get the man who loves her just as much as she loves him. It always seems like I put more into things than I should.

You know, the relationship I was in before, was a relationship I was not happy with. But none the less. He cared about me. His life revolved around me. What in the world was I thinking? I could not get Ben out of my head while I was with Richard. I just could not put my heart into my current relationship. I wanted so badly to be with ben and when he came to me on Christmas Eve, my world was complete. He told me he could not live without me, that he needed me in his life. and that being with me would make him the happiest man alive. What happened??? Did I do something to make him change his mind. I don't think my heart can handle one more break. I'm not as strong as people seem to think I am. I am weak and I depend on others way to much. I need to be as strong as people think I am so I can do this. But it just isnt' working!! Ok. I have rambled to the point where I can't see the screen through my tears. I am gonna be fine, and this is going to work out just fine. I just need to trust and love him like I have been. God has a plan mapped out for me, I just hope the journey involves Ben and not a bunch of cats once my children have grown up! LOL
Until Later
Heather

Ok, Ok, I thought about it.

Ok, Michelle and Leigh made me realize something today. Ben does not make me who I am. I make me who I am. I think what I meant to say it Ben makes me want to be the person I am today. He helps me realize how important I am to my children and friends and family around me. So yes they are right. I make me who I am, but Ben makes that possible. Because of Ben I am a much happier person, much more approachable, and just plain out enjoying life because I share it with him.

This one is going to be short. I am on my way to the shower. Ben and I are going back to Milford. Tonight is his Grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary party. We both get to dress up and spend the night kid free. We are going to be able to enjoy each other for 5 whole hours! I am so excited. I can't remember the last time we spent 5 hours together (unless we were sleeping).

50 years. WoW what I wouldn't give for a love to last that long. I am hoping that is what Ben and I can celebrate in our old age. 50 years from now I will be almost 77 and Ben will be almost 72. wow. what a love that must be. I really look up to my grandparents and his for being able to make it that long! CONGRATS

Ok, I'm outta here!
I'll let you know how it goes
Until Later
Heather