I am so insecure. I don't trust people as I should. I am constantly doubting Ben and his love for me. I am not blaming Carl 100% but I am going to blame 80% of this on him. I am so afraid every day that Ben is going to leave. I have no evidence and no real reason to think that he would. But my mind works overtime. Everytime he does something without telling me I wonder if he is with someone else, when he forgets to call, I wonder if he is busy with someone else (by someone else I mean someone that ben feels the same for them as I assume he feels for me.)Everytime he seems the slight bit sneaky I wonder why and for who..
I am driving myself crazy. And I know he must be going crazy too. He does not deserve this doubt. But I am always asking myself...What if he does? What if he really is doing something I should doubt.
The other thing that is killing me, I don't always think he is with someone else, I wonder if he would just be happy without me.
We are moving again soon. I wonder if he will move with me? I wonder if he just wants me to move into somewhere I can afford so that he won't feel bad for leaving me with nothing.
My own mind is making me crazy. How do I make this stop??? I pray everyday and it does not seem to be working. I don't mean to doubt but I am only human and I am getting more and more discouraged every day.
Ben makes me so happy, but I am wondering if I do the same for him.
We are doing just fine. No tiffs, no nothing, just me, doubting myself and him.
Carl did a real number on my self esteem and my trust abilities.
I don't trust anyone, I am afraid they are all going to hurt me like Carl did.
WHAT DO I DO?????
Sorry, just me ranting and raving
On a lighter note, I hope you all have a great long weekend!!
Until Later
Heather
2 comments:
Sorry I'm just now reading this. I can't say that I know where you're coming from, but I can see where your Carl experience has gotten you to this point. I have no "aha" words to make everything clear. Obviously you've talked to Ben about this and he's reassured you of his feelings. Don't listen to the doubts and suspicions without cause in regards to Ben- it could be Satan putting that there. I know it's easier said than done, which is why I will also pray. Thinking of you girl.
I hope you had a fun weekend.
I've been checking your blog daily for an update. I hope everything is going really well with Ben, the kids, and the job. Thinking of you!
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